This morning, writing in my journal, I began to list what I intended to achieve during the day. Would I query some new agents with the book I’ve written, or should I begin painting again today? I’ve put my art on hold while I wrote my book, and then after that a book proposal. Several other options to stay busy poured out on the page, and I began to feel discombobulated.
When I made a decision to write the book, I had a singular purpose. There were no other options than write, write, write some more.
Because I focused on my art for so long, I questioned if I could handle adding another separate activity to my life. But the pull to write the book was so strong, I was willing to quit painting for the duration of producing a book.
Now that the book is completed, I don’t have any single purpose driving me to accomplish something. Now I’m waiting to hear from agents who are in the process of reading my manuscript, and I’m feeling antsy.
How do I make a choice when there’s no purpose?
The painting above was painted about fourteen years ago. A friend had written a poem about a mother twirling with her baby in a field of poppies. I immediately wanted to capture the intense feeling of pleasure that filled my heart when I read the poem.
I was feeling the exuberance of being in an open field, the sun shining down on us. I was soaking up the beauty around me. Full of love for the baby in my arms, I appreciated the moment, the two of us together, twirling in the expansive surroundings.
I had an epiphany. Why can’t I let go and enjoy this moment, like I did with my imagination about the painting? Why do I always have to have a purpose for anything?
What difference does it make if I let my heart choose instead of having something concrete to show for that moment? Why can’t I have the same passion for whatever is happening in the moment as I do for all that I’m able to achieve?
That’s when I realized that real knowing comes from the heart. It doesn’t measure success by what you’ve created. It’s the other way around. You have to let go and open your heart to create.
That’s when you’re in the flow. That’s when you’re the happiest. That’s what I should be striving for now. To be happy. Not to depend on some external circumstance to bring me joy.
So I did let go and allowed myself the experience of letting each moment dictate the next action I took. No matter if it was feeling good about getting the dishes washed or doing one other thing on my list, I approached each moment seeing and feeling it through the lens of happiness.
I know from experience that the best ideas come to me when I’ve been in a state of repose, away from constant concentration on one thing. I may get an idea in the shower or while walking. Since that’s true, I know that having faith and trusting always brings me all that I need. I don’t have to wrack my brain to make a choice.
Since nothing I do now will make a difference in whether the agents reading my manuscripts offer to represent me or not, I’m free to live my life without worry. Besides I also know that nothing comes to me when I’m not connected to feeling happy and loving, so chill out, Doretta